.. no idea why. Things are ..ok. Ups and downs. Here the bullet points: 

Sleep:

  • Not great, I have to take sleeping pills (antihistaminics) at least 2-3 times a week because otherwise things reach fast that freakout state where I sleep 2 hrs a night and become a zombie. With the meds, I kind of make it work. 
  • Less tired during the day than while on the Celexa. I rarely sleep in the afternoon, only if I have had a particularly bad night. When on the meds, I always got very very tired around 2 pm
  • I generally need less sleep, but it is difficult to understand just how much that is. Sometimes I feel ok with just 4-5 hours, other times even 6 leave me exhausted.

Anxiety

  • Much more than on the Celexa, alas. I am always “ready for flight”, so to say, and even little things make my heart beat like crazy. 
  • I worry a lot more. About real stuff, and also about imaginary one. 
  • Not nearly as bad as before starting on the meds though. I generally am able to get myself under some kind of control when I start to freak out, by breathing deeply.

Phobia

  • The emetophobia is worse again, agh. I see that when eating with my father, who has Parkinson´s disease and sometimes gets a hiccup while eating which occasionally (very seldom though) causes him to gag and vomit, he mostly makes it to the WC in time, but not always. When on the Celexa, I was somewhat uncomfortable when he started to hiccup, but managed to continue to eat myself and stay seated. Now, I basically continue to want to stare at him for the first signs of hiccup, and am seating like ready to get up and run away (haven´t done it until now, but came close). I also can´t eat when he starts to hiccup and feel totally terrorized, therefore avoid eating with my parents when I can. Not good. 
  • Less prone to nausea than while on the Celexa, therefore less Domperidone-chugging. Good, I think. 

General health

  • More headaches, and heavier ones than while on the Celexa. Not sure if that is due to me being generally more tense, or if it has brain chemistry reasons
  • Period totally out of whack (now 7 weeks since the last) but that did happen occasionally before too. Probably more a middle aged thing 😀
  • Some weight loss, due to consistent dieting for a month, not enough though. 
  • Intestines more sensitive: While on the Celexa, the occasional gluten poisoning seldom resulted in major intestinal upheaval, usually just some discomfort. Now if I get even some slight contamination, oh boy. Insides want out. And it lasts longer too. 

Depression and bipolar

  • There are no really extreme highs and lows, mostly. At least none which last more than a few hours. I have been at the “I want to die NOW point a few times, but that was more from nervous exhaustion than real depression. I think. And it never lasted long. I also haven´t had real “OMGEVERYTHINGISTOTALLYAWESOMEIMGOINGTORULETHEWORLD” moments either, have kept mostly decent body hygiene and not exaggerated with the chocolate either. So I guess that all makes me do pretty welll on the “normal” scale of things 😀
  • Definitely I get more worked up about single events than before. When the hail hit my garden and field, it took me a LOT of time to come down from the total desperation that had caused me. 
  • I am doing an exercise on my other blogs, trying to find at every end of the day five happy things to say. This has been an astonishing help, because it forces me to SEE all the good stuff happening in my life, which I tend to somewhat ignore when I´m not in the best of moods. Focusing on those good things makes me feel all warm and mushy inside and does wonders for my endorphines :D. Seriously, more often than not it helps me falling asleep with one or more happy things to think about. 

OCD and other brainweirdness

  • Ritual stuff is worse. I often have to force myself to just break out of my patterns sometimes. 
  • Nail biting still in full force, I try and try but then when I am nervous about something, they get nibbled off in a moment. 
  • Monkey mind galore. Particularly bad the word-repeating, when some sentence just gets stuck in my head and gets repeated over and over and over. Or things I want to say to somebody. Or else. 
  • Less money spending than before. Good thing, because we have none 😀

Procrastination and memory

  • The same, I´d say. I continue to push stuff I don´t want to do into a dark corner, and forget about it. Some days are worse than others. 
  • I am a bit disappointed about my memory not getting really a lot better after stopping the Celexa, because I had the impression that while on it I had a harder time than usual remembering things, from memorizing musical parts to where I had put my keys. This hasn´t really changed, and I sure hope it does because I´m too young for that stuff. 

General stuff

  • Still trying to keep moving as much as possible. No running though, as it messes my joints up too much, I need to lose at least 30 pounds for that being possible again. Sigh. And I seem unable to lose some real weight if I do´t run. I can´t win, right?
  • The rage thing seems to have calmed down a bit. I had a really bad time with that a few weeks ago, but now I do get cranky but don´t want to immediately rip peoples´heads off. Progress!
  • I have difficulty to deal with more than one thing at the time. If there are more things/people vying for my attention, I get all hot and nervous and start to mess stuff up. That was not so prominent before, no idea if it is part of getting simply older or what. I want my multitasking ability back, though!.

 

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