Re-started on the Celexa, I mean. It does feel like a failure, but I just spent another night nearly completely without sleep, even with the antihistamines. I am nearing that place again where I am just a bundle of electrically charged nerves which are under tension 24/7, without any real reason. Everything becomes more important or scary than it is, little things assume enormous proportions, OCD rules. No, I don´t like that place, and I will not stay there. It has been an important summer without the meds, I did manage to feel well and do some great stuff, but now the days are getting shorter and darker, I can´t spend as much time outside as I want and my brain chemistry resents that majorly. I tried alternative stuff, I tried mental gymnastics, but I guess I am just not in a place yet where I can do without a little chemical help. 

And so I just took my entry dosage of 10 mg, after talking it through with my family too, who all, without exception, encouraged me to do it also. They too had noticed me getting more and more antsy and nervous and worried over the last weeks, and that simply isn´t right, with things in my life actually going well on all counts all around. 

So now to a few weeks of whining about side effects, obviously. No way around THAT, for sure, but maybe they won´t be that bad, seen how it is not that long since I was on the medication last. Let´s hope. 10 mg for a week, and then up to 20 again, and I sure hope that will be enough, it should be, since I haven´t arrived at levels of crazy and angst like last time, things are still mostly under control, and the minimum dosage should do the trick and make life manageable. I don´t want to knock myself out, just be able to deal with things again without everything threaten to become an insurmountable obstacle. Life isn´t easy, and I don´t ask for that, but it shouldn´t become terrifying either, right? 

This morning I also received the news that I have been accepted into a very restricted self help group which deals with emetophobia, under the guidance of a therapist, and I know that in order to be able to get something out of that experience, I need to confront some stuff which I still keep very deep inside myself. Another thing I probably wouldn´t be able in the state I am in now, so another reason to use the chemical help. Little steps… !

Ok, enough rambling, there is work to be done, the more the better, so I don´t have time to start obsessing on the side effects of the meds :D. Wish me luck!

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